For all our faults, there are many stories of groups and individuals offering kindness and compassion to others. For instance, the story of the Polish women who left empty prams and pushchairs at the railway station to help the Ukrainian mothers as they fled their war-torn country. There is also the heartfelt story of the premier league footballers who bought a former Stock Exchange building to develop. The building was taken over by rough sleepers and housing activists. Rather than kick them out, the rich footballers allowed them to stay over the winter, provided toilets, showers, and food, and worked with the council to arrange support services for them.
Kindness and compassion towards others as well as ourselves are an important part of mindfulness practice. Our daily lives are not always full of joy and harmony; we sometimes experience things that are unpleasant, difficult, and unwanted. The unconscious, habitual way we deal with difficulty is to avoid or resist what we experience. We can reverse this by moving towards the unpleasant and difficult with openness, care, and compassion.
A newborn gazelle will be on its feet within moments of bonding with its mother. In contrast, a human baby is one of the most helpless creatures to be born in nature. So, we begin life as a very vulnerable baby, develop through the challenges of childhood and adolescence, then somehow emerge as a fully formed adult, who, as the collective narrative goes, is sensible, capable, grown-up, and invulnerable. The paradox is that we can end up defending the idea that we should be a perfect adult, at the cost of avoiding the vulnerable child within us, hidden beneath the surface of our experience. As we grew up, we sometimes experienced an aversion to difficulty as it helped to protect us and kept us safe and well at the time. Taking the same approach into adulthood does not always serve us well, as emotions remain unacknowledged and unresolved, they become stuck within us. Nothing changes when we hold onto aversion.
Like many acts of kindness in society, befriending a difficult experience can be a radical and courageous act. It’s much easier to stick to how we have always dealt with things in the past. Befriending is about becoming intimate with, getting closer to, caring for, and being curious about our difficult thoughts and feelings, without becoming overwhelmed; almost like becoming our own caring and supportive parent.
In practice, befriending means becoming aware of and noticing the times when we feel vulnerable. These could be emotions like anxiety, sadness, low mood, stress, frustration, or negative, depleting, and limiting thoughts about our self-worth or abilities. Ironically, when we strongly identify with our negative and limiting thoughts, moods, and emotions, we disown them, which is a form of emotional self-harm.
By befriending our unwanted and negative thoughts, emotions, moods, feelings, sensations, and behaviour, we engage in a closer, more intimate, caring, and compassionate relationship with ourselves. This helps resolve held emotions and creates a bit of space for joy to enter our lives. As we bring habitual patterns into a clearer view, we are better able to discern between the patterns that support, enable, and expand our wellbeing and those that no longer serve us.
We can also bring the kindness and compassion of befriending to the difficult people in our lives, making sure we hold no one as an enemy. Befriending does not mean that we become invulnerable to life’s challenges; there are times when we need to protect ourselves, using our own inner resources and wisdom. Using befriending as an attitude, we learn to embrace whatever enters our experience in a more heartfelt and fearless way, which enables our capacity to bring a friendly openness, kindness, and compassion to the whole of our experience.
Suggested weekly practice
- Really notice the times of low mood, irritability, annoyance, anxiety, or limitation, and befriend whatever thoughts, emotions, and feelings are around for you.
- Notice the situations, people, and things you habitually feel aversion toward and work on befriending them.
- See how many small acts of kindness you can make over the week. For instance, opening a door for others, being patient with people, really listening, giving someone positive feedback about doing a good job, or being the last out of a lift.
Guidance
Find somewhere undisturbed and sit in a comfortable, dignified, and upright posture, where you can remain alert and aware.
There are two guided practices for this session. You can close your eyes, or lower your gaze while the meditations play.
- Play the settling practice, then read through the session content
- Then play the second audio to explore befriending your experience
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